So, tell me how I got from

I smell a rat, because not only were my classmates little shits to our teachers and me, I was a shit to my teacher most especially when they showed the cared, because I thought their caring was all just BS and they didn't really care. (also, some suspicion that if I wasn't smart, I'd be SOL) I didn't care about me, not in the same way others seemed to care about themselves. I felt obligation--with under currents of shame-with-failure--to "thank" teachers by saying things insincerely that I knew would make them happy. Although I acted it at the time, I know I'm not a special snowflake. So, what happens to kids like me that knew how to play the game but felt icky doing so? (Note that I interpret the caring as fake.)

to

Noddings’s models for the ideal interest me because of personal experience: my middle school was small, teachers had five classes or more with her homeroom, and sometimes taught the same subject for two consecutive grades. On reflection, I can see the varying depths of teacher and student relationships that developed around me and to me were a matter of the reception of caring. I can also see the actions teacher took as ones-caring and my responses as the cared-for. However, I felt pressured to exhibit varying levels of both acceptance and rejection of the actions of the one-caring, based on personal, parental, and peer considerations.

The small school can also sabotage caring because teachers come know students so well. Identities are kept in place for the duration of student’s stay. Eldest siblings are dynasts, and their younger siblings compared and contrasted to them. With these preconceptions in place, the student continues to be an object, and those considered worthy enough—most receptive to and most willing to act upon the actions of one-caring—are then considered subject. The student does not hold agency in the amount of care doled out to them. “Chains and circles of caring” can have insincere links, or can fail to develop even with the optimal conditions.

Yes, I'm wanking for an assignment.